So, for years now, my mom has been telling me to “listen to that little voice in your head, it’s YOU”…but what does that even mean? Finally… I got it! She means listening to your gut instincts, following your heart, being in touch with your true emotions – however you want to put it. So, I know that we may all say we do, but do we really? How often do we make decisions based on what WE want to do – not based on what we think we should do, what we think others think we should do, what so-and-so would do? Probably not that often. Or maybe often, depending on who you are. But myself, well, I tend to overanalyze everything – therefore – overanalyzing even my initial reaction to something, because I can.
However, after years of “bad” decisions – between friends, boyfriends, hobbies, activities, lifestyles, arguments, and much more – I’ve decided that no, I haven’t listened to my inner voice a large, giant-sized handful of times. I always come up with some excuse as to why it isn’t this way, or why this is wrong, or why this is right, or why I can’t. From getting out of relationships, or getting into them, whether romantic or platonic – I seem to choose the wrong ones. Most of the time, not all the time, I love a lot of my friends, but I also have some who I just don’t get why they are even in my life.
I had a habit of making friends and building relationships on superficial things. I’m not talking about looks or money, I’m talking about smoking weed, drinking on the weekends, and being “party” kids. Now, I’m not a big partier, but I used to be. I smoke weed – not as much as I used to – but I do, and I’m a medical marijuana patient, so I legally can (in the state of MI) – if you don’t like it, don’t do it. However, I have found myself, over the years, questioning who I chose to be in my life, and who I chose to not be in my life. Sometime I think I made some wrong decisions, even long ago, like in middle school.
However, I know that I wouldn’t be who I am, if it wasn’t for each and every choice I’ve made, that has led me to this place. And for that, I thank everyone who has been in my life, for the good or bad, over the years. I want to ask forgiveness from the people I’ve hurt, express gratitude for the people who always stuck by my side, and to express my regret for those people I never allowed in.
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I guess this has all been on my mind over the past few weeks, as I start to dissect and understand my emotional state. Over the past few years, I’ve really neglected listening to my heart. I expressed, time and time again, to myself, and my loved ones, that I know my relationship isn’t right – I know I could do better – I know, blah blah blah, fill in the blank…but still I stayed and tried to make it different. I’m sure my friends got sick of listening to the constant push and pull I did with my heart. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to just let go and to be me. I’ve always prided myself on being myself, but who is “self” if you can’t even listen to your emotions? Not the self that I want to be.
Hindsight bias, as we call it in psychology, is a phenomenon that basically is the “I-knew-it-all-along” idea. You know, you just KNEW so and so was going to do something – because it already happened, but you KNEW it was going to. No, you didn’t. It is just easier to say that you KNEW (predicted) something, because it happened and proved to actually be. I’m not using this as an excuse, saying that I knew all along it wasn’t right, because there were times when I thought it was. But now, really being able to look back, set aside the lonely emotions, and see how wrong it was.
I allowed someone to take me down a notch. To really believe that I wasn’t perfect, because I wasn’t perfect to them. I didn’t see my potential. I didn’t see the light radiating from my soul. Now, I feel it and see it every day. I’m really happy. I’ve felt this way before – times when I was being true to myself…but it never lasted for long. Each day, when I decided to spend time with this person, I’d wonder why I choose to spend time with someone who, very rarely, makes me feel good. Shouldn’t we be around people who make us feel good, most of the time? Someone who you want to feel good to? Or just, maybe just that you feel good together, because being together is a blessing you both accept?
Until next time – stay classy, stay real, and listen. Love yourself & others!