I’m not trying to get all pseudo-psychological on you, but…okay, well maybe I am…but here goes!
So, a few years ago, my mom (she really does inspire a lot of these posts) told me about this idea called mirrors. This concept, as far as I recall, incorporates cloudy mirrors, black mirrors, clear mirrors, and normal mirrors, as a way to help categorize different types of relationships. However, I also firmly believe, that before working on issues in/about relationships, we need to take a look internally, and identify issues we see within ourselves – for awareness, maybe to try to fix them, but mostly, just to be aware of our limitations and to help ensure we don’t bring them into our relationships, in a detrimental way.
Okay, so I’ve been single for just over 3 months now, and I’m still working on getting myself ready to be in a committed relationship. I have identified these things, that are my “weaknesses”:
- I’m afraid of intimacy – I usually don’t let people get close to me, no matter how hard they try, because I’m scared of that person leaving me, after I open up and welcome the vulnerability. So instead of trying, I just close off. I don’t give people the opportunity to show me how great of a person they may be. I’m nice for a few days, and then it just gets annoying, and I stop communicating at all. Of course it is nice to have someone who wants to wish you a good day, or tell you that you are beautiful, or to bring you something when you’re feeling down – but for some reason, I just don’t accept it – and those actions push me away.
- I’m giving, but not accepting – going along with the above statement, of “I just don’t accept it – and those actions push me away” – which doesn’t make any sense, because I am a very giving person. I try to help everyone and will do whatever it takes to make a friend or family member happy. But I’m not willing to let others act this way upon me. Why? I’m not sure, maybe because I want to feel independent, strong, and “on-my-one” but I really just want someone to be there for me, I just can’t accept it when someone wants to be…maybe?
- I don’t feel sexy – okay, now this just sounds like a way to get attention and have people say “no, shut up, you’re beautiful” blah blah blah – but seriously, over the past years and past relationships, I’ve lost the feeling of sexy. I often see beauty within myself, sometimes not, but that is okay. On a day to day basis, yes, I think that I’m attractive. I think that my body is looking better than it ever has, as I have been taking care of myself better than I ever have…but sexy? No. I just don’t feel sexy. Maybe I should take a pool dancing class? Maybe I should stare at myself naked?…damn I already do that. Maybe I need to be more comfortable with my body? Well, I feel like I am. But, with my past relationships, I feel like my partner didn’t make me feel sexy – they criticized me, or didn’t acknowledge my attempts at being “sexy”, or something? Still working on this one…
- I’m not the most patient person – I tend to rush things. I want it all, right now, or it just isn’t happening for me. This isn’t always a negative thing, sometimes, when relying on myself, I can get stuff done quickly and correctly…but not always. Sometimes, we need to take the time to allow things to accumulate as needed, instead of rushing around to a final destination. There is no final destination, just lots of landmarks and pit stops until you die. Now, that isn’t morbid, it is realistic. Everything is life until life is no more – THERE IS NO FINAL DESTINATION.
“A look through my mirror”
Now that you know more about me than I have known about myself, up until the past year or so…let’s get back to mirrors and projecting.
About 2 months ago, I had the pleasure of getting to know someone who I hoped would be in my life forever. Can I call him my soul mate? Probably not. But I do know that someone about him changed my soul forever. I really, with all my heart, felt that he was “the one” but … now looking back, I can see this emotion as the idea of the clear mirror. I want to be like this person. He exudes the things in life that I find the most attractive and desirable. He is caring, friendly, fun, and full of spirit. He finds the beauty in things, as he has an eye for photography, and the simple things that he captures are the most beautiful. A heart of gold, from what I could see. He has the same desires in life as I do – to raise a small, but happy and healthy family, to be in a committed relationship with your best friend, to live out in the country, to explore the world – at all levels, and even the most simple places – and naturally high on life itself.
When we shared a kiss, I felt sparks like I had never felt before. I felt butterflies like I hadn’t felt in years. It was magical and it seemed to be mutual…but then, well, reality came crashing down on me. Neither of us were ready for a relationship – but I pushed anyways. I wanted (okay, I still do, damn it) to be around him all the time, constantly talk to him, because I see the beauty in his soul and want to appreciate it more than anything I have ever appreciated before. I think I tried too hard, especially after we talked about taking things slow. But now, I just can’t even get myself to bring it up – to talk about it – to see if there is ever going to be a chance. But chances happen, you don’t create them? Do you? Sometimes I think that we do.
Never the less, any person who has come into my life, as an interested opposite sex person, has not been able to even come considerably close to the draw I have towards this person. So I dismiss them, without a reason, because do I really have to explain that I’m waiting for someone who probably doesn’t even think about me anymore? Haha…seems pathetic. But it also seems beautiful. Maybe, in time, when we have both evolved as people, we will find each other and go right back to where we left off. Maybe not. But honestly, if I feel like waiting, maybe waiting is what I should do? I’ve been pretty content with cuddling with my otter – Purple – over the past two months, so why stop now, just to mend the loneliness? This is why I need a dog. Most of the time, I want to be alone , and I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that.
But when I ever get the chance to fill my time with his company, I will be a happy girl. I am a happy girl. I just feel that him and I could combine our happiness and shine light on this world, in our own beautiful way.
Did I project my neediness on him? Did he see that I was weak and broken? I’m working on it all, and I really hope that he’ll be there when we’re both ready to be a part of something more. Maybe I should get over my expectations and settle for someone who knows everything about me and adores me anyways…but that just seems like I’d be getting a divorce in 10 years because I never tried with someone like you…someone who, after only being around a week or two, inspired me to be a better person. Someone who projects happiness and a sense of being carefree into this world, so effortlessly, but yet, so loyal and endearing. Even if nothing ever comes from what could have been, thank you for showing me the type of connection that you can have with someone. I appreciate it more than you may ever know.
Until next time – love yourself, and others, and ALWAYS be true to who you are ❤