Female · Personal Story · Politics · Positive Thinking · Relationships · Women

What kind of man are you?

Happy Monday! Let’s talk about something not so happy – domestic violence.

I stumbled upon this great TedTalk – highlighting the power struggle in our society and how our language helps to create and reinforce our gender norms, our socially acceptable behavior, and our ability to talk about things in an open and honest form.

Instead of asking what the woman did wrong – why don’t we ask WHY the man thinks it is okay…or WHY the MAN wanted to hit her…or WHY anyone has so much pent up frustration that it comes down to hurting someone that this person is supposed to “love”…or at least care about. A systematic social problem. It isn’t an individual perpetrator – this is a societal issue. What is happening? Why are our institutions producing men who beat women, rape children, etc?

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“Talking about your weaknesses gives you back your power.” Stop being silent. Talk about it.

I started reading a book called “Wasted” and I think it is helping open my eyes to some horrific issues in western societies. We are emotionally blocked and damaged – because of capitalism? I’m saying yes. Any way you want to put it…you can’t argue with the idea that many people in the world are emotionally disengaged from their day to day lives – whether it is work, marriage, parenting, driving, exercising, eating…people tend to think that things are separate (dualism, capitalism) and it isn’t. Life is connected. All of life is connected. So deal with it – talk about it – and change it.

 

And watch this video clip:

 

4 thoughts on “What kind of man are you?

  1. It’s very interesting that you would choose this topic now. I’m trying to get some cooperation from the Y on a documentary film project that seeks in part to ask – and examine – some of these questions that are often overlooked in dialogue about domestic violence.

    One of those is what creates an abuser? Why do they behave the way they do? Can they be “cured?”

    I’ve been candid about this with many people, although I don’t think I’ve discussed it with you: for many years, from my late teens (mid-late 1980’s) until about 1997, I was involved in mentally and physically abusive relationships on both the giving and receiving end. It took me a lot of soul-searching and muckraking through my own past to understand how I – a person who in every other aspect of life tends toward non-violence and enormous respect and affection for women – became an abusive partner. While I understand that each person’s path is individual and the answers for me might not be the answers for everyone, I discovered a lot about myself during this time including not just the sub-surface insecurity and fear and self-loathing that fueled that behavior, but the deeper soil in which those feelings were rooted.

    I hope that by telling my story and examining many of the various aspects of domestic violence that are often ignored by mainstream coverage of the issue, that I can not only help survivors and current victims of violence help and comfort, but also help people who are abusive find their own way to sanity and healthy love relationships. There’s a lot more ground I want to cover in the docu, but I’m trying to avoid writing a comment longer than the article.

    Hopefully, the Y will prove willing to allow their professionals to be interviewed as part of the documentary. There are a lot of resources out there for victims and survivors, but there is no currently available path for an abusive partner to say “I don’t want to be like this and I need help understanding why I am,” outside of being arrested or counseling which is framed primarily in addressing the issues of the abused while generally putting the abuser’s behavior in a box of “he (or she) is just an asshole.”

    Thanks for a great article and link!

    1. Thank you for sharing John! It is great to hear this kind of feedback – I’m glad I was able to connect with you on this. As I start to think deeply about my past relationships, I to, am guilty of being involved with people who were emotionally abusive to me. I’ve never been physically abused…really…but I’ve physically abused myself because I was so emotionally distraught and psychologically damaged by my partner (and, in honestly, myself).

      I think that talking about it allows us to free ourselves from the burden of pain, of our past, and of our insecurities. Like the book says – talking about your weaknesses allows you to be powerful again. I think it is great that you’ve been able to understand yourself (most people don’t) and have moved on from the troubles in your past.

      I think the docu sounds really interesting. I think this subject is taboo (it happens all the time, but it isn’t talked about a lot). I also think that abuse (physical, mental, emotional) both by others and self-inflicted, is a major issue in society that keeps getting overlooked. Maybe it comes down to this…we stigmatize behaviors and actions, and systematically ignore them, and they become underground norms. Isn’t it a shame? 😦

  2. The report provides verified necessary to me personally. It’s really educational and you’re simply obviously quite knowledgeable in this region. You have got exposed our sight to be able to numerous opinion of this specific matter along with intriguing and solid content material.

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