It is okay to not always understand how you feel. This may be hard to accept…but I promise, feelings change – that is why they are “feelings”. One day, we may be very happy, and the next, we may be sad. Maybe nothing happened in between those 24 hours that made you change, but nevertheless, you did. We, as humans, try to find an explanation for our emotions because, well, we search for answers, a way to categorize our thoughts, and a way to understand the underlying things that determine how we “feel” today.
Well…I’d like to remind myself that feelings will change, constantly, and that is okay. This week has been rough for me, and I’m not exactly sure why. I feel somewhat lost and somewhat stuck. I feel lost, because, well…I haven’t been doing much yoga lately. Yoga centers me, connects me with my internal light, and rejuvenates my spirit. Without practice, we lose touch to our internal self, and therefore, feel lost and confused. Taking the time to get back on the mat and really feel will help – so I just need to do that.
I feel stuck because I feel that working 8-5, M-F, has left me with little motivation to adventure. Okay, scratch that, lots of motivation, but little time. Some days I find myself not wanting to leave my apartment after work, but other days, I feel that I never want to go home. Sitting in front of a computer for 9 hours a day drains my creativity. I need something more than this. I need to breath fresh air, feel the dirt between my toes, and open my soul to the power of the universe. Somehow, I haven’t done that lately.
I also feel torn in my relationship. Finally, after years and years of not-so-great relationships, I found someone who is an amazing and endearing man. I met someone who adores me for who I am…yet I have a hard time accepting this. I know there is something inside of me, keeping from allowing me to open up and become vulnerable…but I don’t know why. I’m scared of the unknown…I’m scared of allowing someone to be in my life that I may want to keep forever. I’m scared that someone will want to be with me forever, and that I won’t live up to their expectations. I’m afraid of falling in love. I’m afraid of someone falling in love with me, because I tend to hurt people…because I expect too much, yet when those expectations are met, I find fault in them.
I don’t want to find fault in everything. I’m a skeptic, and maybe that is just something I’ll always struggle with. Maybe people really are good people. Maybe people really do try to do the best. Maybe people are really full of love and compassion…but maybe not. Maybe people only see me for my looks. Or maybe people only hear me for my words of wisdom. I want someone to see me for my faults, but appreciate them, nonetheless. I want someone to hear me for my emotions…not only my knowledge. I want to be that for someone, too. But I’m not ready. Well…I don’t think I’m ready, because if I was, would I have these doubts?
Maybe we all doubt, everything, all the time. Maybe the secret is to let the doubts fade away, over time, and we are filled with acceptance. Maybe there is no such thing as doubt, nor acceptance. Maybe this is just so insignificant that we try, time and time again, to make sense of our feelings…when there is nothing to make sense of. Maybe we just are. I think I just am.