I’m pondering some feelings that have been coming up a lot lately. First and foremost, I will declare that I’ve been single for a year now. I was very close to getting involved with someone, but out of cowardice, I turned my back and ran from the closest thing I’ve had to romantic love in a long, long time. I find myself pushing away those who love me, while “loving” those who don’t cherish all that I am. Perhaps that is a sign that I don’t love myself enough? Perhaps I’m not mature enough for love. Perhaps I’ve worked up some grandiose idea as to what love really is. Perhaps I see people who just settle to be with someone because it is better to be with someone than to be lonely. I don’t agree with that. I love myself, and I don’t mind being alone. As I’ve moved to this new place, however, I find myself missing that person who showed me all that I could be.
I think about him often. Sometimes I wish he was here. Sometimes I wish he would have followed through on his offer to drive out here with me. He would have fallen in love with this town and maybe stayed a while. Maybe we would have made love and never been able to part. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he is easier to miss when he’s not around. Maybe he’s easier to miss when he doesn’t miss me. Maybe I miss him in a contextual way. Maybe I just miss having someone who cares about me, who calls me, who tells me I’m beautiful, who texts me “good morning” and “good night”. Perhaps it isn’t really him I miss, but that closeness with someone, anyone. But, perhaps, it is him. Perhaps I met the love of my life and by pushing him away, I realized that he could have been the best thing to happen to me.
He is the best thing to happen to me. He made me question who I thought I was. He made me realize that I was stuck in my comfort zone and needed to get out. He made me challenge myself. He made me think deeper. He made me stop thinking. He made me feel joy, love, and appreciation like I’ve never felt before.
What did I make him feel? Perhaps I made him feel unworthy. Perhaps I made him feel like he was giving so much and I was just taking. Perhaps, after all this time, he thinks I’m just another woman who doesn’t know what she wants, and doesn’t think she deserves as much as she does. If that is what he thinks, he’s right.
I don’t like putting so much emotion into thinking about someone. But sometimes, it just feels good to share it with the world, and hopefully, that’ll help me get over it. When I think about my future, I think about us. How maybe, just maybe, we’ll travel the world together. We’ll have a home base in Detroit and I’ll stay part-time in Sun Valley, and you can go wherever the wind blows. We can adventure together. Maybe, I just want to stop feeling lonely. Maybe I just want you to call me beautiful. You used to think that I radiated beauty, but what about now? Now do you just see me as just another girl, a hopeless romantic stuck in a cynical mind? That is, sometimes, how I see myself…but other times, I see myself the same way you used to see me, and I smile. And I miss you.