The other day, I called my dad, in tears, telling him that I didn’t want to be an adult anymore. His response…”but your whole life all you’ve ever wanted was to grow up…” concerned, that his daughter, 1500 miles away, was having a break down and wanted to give up. But it wasn’t that I wanted to give up, it is that I don’t know what I’m going for. I don’t know what my goal is. Do I have to have a goal? All this growth I’m doing, to live in the moment, to enjoy my life, to develop hobbies, to explore my dreams…is there some end that I’m working towards? I don’t think so. And I don’t know the point. Maybe the point is that there is no point, there is no end, until you die. Until you die, you have your whole life to be whatever you want to be, go wherever you want to go, and do whatever you want to do. So what do you want to do?
I don’t know.
There’s too much. I want to learn how to sew. I want to get better at photography. I want to enhance my knife skills. I want to learn how to back country ski. I want to grow a garden. I want to travel the world. I want a dog. I want children. I want to build a little hobbit house. I want to live in a van, somewhere in Costa Rica. I want to eat the best food in every country of the world. I want to educate people about health, food, vitality, culture. I want to read great books. I want to write poetry. I want to play cards with my grandmother. I want to dance. I want to see Jack Johnson in Hawaii. I want to successfully do a handstand. I want to create. I want to love, to be loved, and to smile, each and every day.
Is this too much to ask for? How do I get all these things when at the end of each work day, I just want to sit and stop and do absolutely nothing but breath, eat, and zone out. Will I get to where I want to be if I have to work each day? How do you balance work and play? How do you find what you love to do in a career…how do you achieve bliss in this 40 hour a week work week culture? I don’t know.
When I was a little girl, all I wanted to be was 28 years old, a professional, maybe in love, maybe not. Maybe living in a big city enjoying all the vast offerings of city life…or maybe living out in the country getting in touch with my roots. I wanted to be a doctor, an oceanographer, a restaurant owner, a social media maverick, a philosopher, a sex-ed teacher, a politician, a food justice leader, a writer. I wanted to be everything. I’ve never been good at choosing one thing. I’ve never been good at one thing. I’m decent at a lot of things…but to spend enough time on one thing to be spectacular at it…No. That has never been for me.
So where does that leave me? A hard-working, well-educated, food enthusiast who will jump around from company to company, job to job, never really loving anything I do? Or loving it all so much, so quickly, and then, like most of my situations in life, get bored and quit? How do you commit to something? How do you make all your dreams come true?
Each day, do something. Today, I woke up, stretched, made a cup of hot water with lemon, and watched movies. Then I got out of bed, made some brunch (it was about 1pm), cookies, coffee…put away clothes, did the dishes, sat down and wrote this. The whole morning I kept thinking about how lazy I was being. It is rainy and in the low 40s. It is Saturday. I work at 5 tonight. I ate too much and drank too much last night. Isn’t it okay to be lazy? Is it okay that instead of working out today, I ate burnt cookies and drank two pots of coffee? I don’t know. What I do know is that what is done is done and what you did, you did. Get over worrying about what choice you’ve already made. So I didn’t wake up and go for a long hike in the rain. I may have enjoyed it…maybe not. Doesn’t matter, because I chose not to do it.
We can chose to live mundanely, content with a paycheck, working a job that doesn’t really align with our true desires. Or, we can chose to live freely. To enjoy. To experience. To create. Each day we have the option to live in that way, from the littlest choice to the biggest. We can choose to experiment with our breakfast, or scramble up a rocky mountainside, or watch 80s rom-coms, or dance in the rain. Or we can choose to dwell on our past action, or in action. We can choose to reevaluate everything we’ve ever done. But why would we? It is okay not to know what you want to be when you grow up, because we never really grow up…we just keep on moving forward.